Monday, January 9, 2012

An Open Letter to Every Semi-Pro Band Everwhere Ever

Congratulations.  You've risen from the basement to the garage and now have landed at Spanky's bar in Midtown as the house band.  Your hard work has paid off, you're profecient at your instruments, your set pieces are impressive and you even have a following that borders on groupies and at least one aspiring roadie that your forty-four year old drummer calls, "Son."

As you've worked your way up to your current place of prominence you've acquired a few great pieces of gear that are inline with your status of 'semi-pro.'  You've got a handful of highly sensitive mics, a top-of-the-line PA that you bought on craigslist second-hand for a great deal and, of course, everyone has upgraded from starter instruments to the glory of their profession with enough amps and wattage to aurally shatter concrete.  You don't have a sound engineer and you, as a band member of "SKULLCRUSH," have never stood back and objectively listened to the sonic havoc you wreak.

This may come across as harsh and I don't mean to offend your musical sensibilities or pride, but you--the indiviual and the collective body of musicians that make up SKULLCRUSH--you sound terrible.  Allow me to explain.

It's a combination of factors: the quality of your gear and instruments, the size of the venue you're playing in, and primarily (I'm sorry to say) your conviction that even though Spanky's is only 2,200 square feet that somehow, someone there can't hear you.  The later is exponentially compounded as all members of SKULLCRUSH hold to this obscure and wholly untrue belief.  It's the proliferation of volume that make you sound terrible; nothing more.  The remedy is simple and you've heard it for years, but forgotten in light of your new found success.  The solution has been preached more often than the, 'practice and hard work will get you where you want to be' philosophy that you've so dearly taken to heart.

You: SKULLCRUSH, every-single-member-of-the-band; you're too loud...    

Sincerely with the Kindest Regards,

Chad Hull Esquire, concert goer and regular frequenter of Metro Atlanta's many small venues, blues bars, juke joints, and dives.  


Marion said...

This is one of the best posts I've ever read! You executed the tone perfectly, and it is smart and funny! Thanks, Chad.

Chad Hull said...

Thanks Marion. I had fun with this.